Use language that acknowledges rather than solves
- Acknowledge the death directly and use the person’s name when appropriate.
- Use simple language the child or young person actually understands.
- Let them ask questions more than once and say when you do not know an answer.
- Offer ordinary support as well as grief conversation: a walk, game, lift, meal, or check-in.
- Remember birthdays, anniversaries, school events, and other dates if you are close enough to do so.
- Coordinate with the parent or main caregiver when you are not the child’s guardian.
What is usually better left unsaid
- Telling them to be strong for a parent, sibling, or other adult.
- Saying the person has “gone to sleep” when the child may take the phrase literally.
- Assuming they want a long emotional conversation every time you see them.
- Promising that everything will be okay or that grief will disappear on a timetable.
- Giving new details about the death that the family has not chosen to share.
Example wording
I’m really sorry that [Name] died. I know they were very important to you.
You never have to pretend you are okay with me. We can talk, sit quietly, or do something normal together.
I don’t know exactly how this feels for you, but I’m here to listen if you want to tell me.
I was thinking about [Name] today and remembered [simple memory]. I wanted you to know I remember them too.
You can ask me questions. If I do not know the answer, I will tell you honestly instead of guessing.
Support is often practical and repeated
A message can open the door, but care often matters most after the first days: a meal, transport, a small task, remembering an anniversary, or a check-in that does not require a response.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Try:“I can bring dinner Thursday or pick up groceries Saturday. No pressure to answer now.”
How to approach a grieving child or young person
- Answer the question the child actually asked, in language they can understand.
- Do not require a child to comfort adults or perform sadness.
- Make room for play, school and ordinary routines as well as grief.
- Let trusted adults agree on important family-specific explanations.
What to do after the opening sentence
Use clear, age-appropriate language. Euphemisms can be confusing, especially when a child is trying to understand what death means.
Let questions come in small pieces and do not force a long conversation. Children may move between grief and ordinary activity quickly.
Grief can be revisited as a child grows and understands the death differently. New school stages and family milestones may bring new questions.
Coordinate with the parent or responsible adult before initiating memorial activities or sharing family details.
Questions that come up in this situation
Should I say “died”?
Clear language is often easier to understand than phrases such as “went to sleep” or “went away,” especially for younger children.
What if the child changes the subject?
Follow them. Children often move in and out of grief conversation rather than staying with it continuously.
Should I share my own grief?
You can be honest that you are sad, but do not make the child responsible for reassuring you.